Since my cat died, I've received three sympathy cards- one from the animal hospital, one from the vet and one from my dear friend Michele.
The one from the animal hospital is a stock card with a drawing of a cat on the front that everyone in office signed. I've never met any of them. I wondered they signed the card specifically for me or if they keep a stockpile of signed cards for the situation. It arrived before we'd even returned from vacation.
The one from Michele is the most comforting one. It's sincere and from someone who truly cares.
The one from the vet had a cat and a dog sitting facing a sunset. The inscription was expressing sympathy. It was signed by one person on behalf of the whole office. It had a personal note that read: Our thoughts and prayers are with you in your loss of Rhiannon.
I stood in the kitchen and read the note several times and stopping on the loss of Rhiannon part. The words felt foreign. Loss of...loss...loss. I've lost her...lost Rhiannon. She's gone. After fifteen years this was the strangest feeling. I'm not going to say that it feels like losing a child. It doesn't. It's different. She was still a being that was apart of my everyday life and suddenly she isn't here anymore. There is a void.
When she was first diagnosed with diabetes and the vet only gave her three months left, I spent the weekend crying. And made the decisions that when it was time, I would be with her when she was put down and that she would be cremated. As the three months came and went, I think I developed a sort of amnesia to her prognosis, after all she was still going strong. Her sudden and swift decline brought reality back to her condition. So I realized it was time to let go. It may be that she waited until we were all safely away before she let go her final breathe.
Our first night back home, I had a dream or something. I was in bed asleep and I could feel her weight laying next me as she often did on cold nights. In my dream I pushed against the weight without opening my eyes and said, you're dead, you are not here, repeatedly until I no longer felt the weight.
I still look around the floor for her. I know that will stop one day as I grow used to the house without a four legged family member.
The other morning Jay briefly mistaken a throw pillow on the floor next to the chest of drawers for her. He said he could have sworn he heard a meow. He was about to tell her he'd feed her in a minute when it hit him.
I received a call from the vets office this morning letting me know that Rhiannon was back and ready for pickup. I went numb. I automatically responded that I would pick her up in the morning. I hate the way she put it. Rhiannon is back and ready for pickup. Like she had just been to the groomers or had to stay at the vet for a day and now I could bring her back home now. No, Rhiannon isn't back. She isn't coming back. She wasn't in that blanket wrapped tray at the vets office. Only the shell of what she once was. Right now I'm not positive why I chose to have her cremated. I knew we couldn't bury her in the yard- too rocky. And then the thought of moving away. It just seemed like the most respectful thing to do for a loyal companion. I'm not sure how I'll feel tomorrow when I pick up Rhiannon and hold a small box that is all that is left of her. Because at the moment it seems pointless, since I'm not really bringing her home.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A Lesson in Leaving (temporarily)
Last year when Jay first brought up going away together for our tenth wedding anniversary this year, I immediately said no. For years now I’ve lived with the motto that if I am not at work, then I should be with them. Going back to work was made tolerable because my mother was my babysitter when they were small infants. Neither went into a daycare setting until they were two.
I miss so much of their everyday being away (with my crew, sometimes that’s not a bad thing) that I am not inclined to leave them without cause. We rarely have date nights, so to go on a trip without them and to put them off on my parents, for enjoyment…didn’t seem right. They are a lot to take. The idea was shelved for a few months.
As they’ve gotten older though, I’m coming to a realization. I’m a person too. Yep, radical concept, right? And even though I am not with them all day long, I am still working. I run from morning until night and sometimes in the middle of the night, if needed too. I begin to see that part of my problem is that I don’t do anything for me, except eat. And I’m not able to give them the best mom possible. I don’t have luxury of quantity so I need to shoot for quality in the time I spend with them.
Part of parenting is letting go. That is the end game of being a parent. You raise them and give them everything and they leave you. You have done your job as a parent if they leave you and start good lives of their own.
Ultimately, I knew that they would love spending time with their grandparents. And my parents would enjoy some of their time. I knew it would be difficult on my mom, so we arranged with my in-laws to take them two days during the day. And that it would be a chance for me to rest. So we made plans to go away during WC’s spring break from school.
CJ, had only recently, spent the night away from home for the first time. He went to my parents along with his brother for an overnight visit in February. Since, he moved to going to preschool full time- he was now eligible for overnight visits.
We explained to the kids in advance that they were having a sleep over at Nana's for an entire week. They loved the idea. The day before we left I was completely convinced that I did not want to do this. But we’d already paid for it and I can’t waste money. So I sucked it up and didn’t say a word.
And for the most part they were fine that week. My mom said Tuesday night, WC had gotten over tired that day and cried that he would never see me and Jay again. She assured him that we would return and he was fine the rest of the week. One night she made the mistake of falling asleep before they went to sleep and she woke up the next morning and they had strung toilet paper all over the house.
The day we returned, they were happy to see us. At the same time they were sad to leave the house that spoiled them rotten. WC has tried several times to tell me of their adventures at Nana’s-things she let them do that I don’t at home and I simply tell him, “What happens at Nana’s, stays at Nana’s.” If I do not know about it then I cannot be mad about it. It doesn’t matter what he does there, the rules at home do not change. When we picked them up they were in the same condition as when we left, that’s all I care about.
Our week away brought about an unforeseen change in CJ, though. On the way home that day he’d fallen asleep in the car and I brought him in and put him on the couch and he slept there for about three hours or so. When he woke up I was in the recliner. He came over and crawled in my lap and hugged and kissed me numerous times. We snuggled there for the longest and he kept telling me that he loved me. We’ve been back a week and half and it still hasn’t changed. Before, he never told me that he loved me unprompted. I’d tell him then he’d respond to me that he loved me too. But now he randomly comes up to me and hugs, kisses and tells me that he loves me. He yells it to me out the car window when he and Jay leave in the mornings and when I put him to bed he yells it to me as I’m closing the door. I’m soaking in all this affection. I hope it lasts for a long time.
While we enjoyed our trip together, we are not looking to go away for an extended time without them again anytime soon. I would love to take another trip with them- part of the fun is watching them have a new experience. But, I'm thinking that it is okay to have a night without them every now and then.
I’m still trying to figure out what the balancing act is going to be. I’m thinking of keeping the Saturday morning yoga class for now and seeing if that is enough of a recharge. I’m not sure if complete balance is possible, but I’d like to get closer than I am now.
I miss so much of their everyday being away (with my crew, sometimes that’s not a bad thing) that I am not inclined to leave them without cause. We rarely have date nights, so to go on a trip without them and to put them off on my parents, for enjoyment…didn’t seem right. They are a lot to take. The idea was shelved for a few months.
As they’ve gotten older though, I’m coming to a realization. I’m a person too. Yep, radical concept, right? And even though I am not with them all day long, I am still working. I run from morning until night and sometimes in the middle of the night, if needed too. I begin to see that part of my problem is that I don’t do anything for me, except eat. And I’m not able to give them the best mom possible. I don’t have luxury of quantity so I need to shoot for quality in the time I spend with them.
Part of parenting is letting go. That is the end game of being a parent. You raise them and give them everything and they leave you. You have done your job as a parent if they leave you and start good lives of their own.
Ultimately, I knew that they would love spending time with their grandparents. And my parents would enjoy some of their time. I knew it would be difficult on my mom, so we arranged with my in-laws to take them two days during the day. And that it would be a chance for me to rest. So we made plans to go away during WC’s spring break from school.
CJ, had only recently, spent the night away from home for the first time. He went to my parents along with his brother for an overnight visit in February. Since, he moved to going to preschool full time- he was now eligible for overnight visits.
We explained to the kids in advance that they were having a sleep over at Nana's for an entire week. They loved the idea. The day before we left I was completely convinced that I did not want to do this. But we’d already paid for it and I can’t waste money. So I sucked it up and didn’t say a word.
And for the most part they were fine that week. My mom said Tuesday night, WC had gotten over tired that day and cried that he would never see me and Jay again. She assured him that we would return and he was fine the rest of the week. One night she made the mistake of falling asleep before they went to sleep and she woke up the next morning and they had strung toilet paper all over the house.
The day we returned, they were happy to see us. At the same time they were sad to leave the house that spoiled them rotten. WC has tried several times to tell me of their adventures at Nana’s-things she let them do that I don’t at home and I simply tell him, “What happens at Nana’s, stays at Nana’s.” If I do not know about it then I cannot be mad about it. It doesn’t matter what he does there, the rules at home do not change. When we picked them up they were in the same condition as when we left, that’s all I care about.
Our week away brought about an unforeseen change in CJ, though. On the way home that day he’d fallen asleep in the car and I brought him in and put him on the couch and he slept there for about three hours or so. When he woke up I was in the recliner. He came over and crawled in my lap and hugged and kissed me numerous times. We snuggled there for the longest and he kept telling me that he loved me. We’ve been back a week and half and it still hasn’t changed. Before, he never told me that he loved me unprompted. I’d tell him then he’d respond to me that he loved me too. But now he randomly comes up to me and hugs, kisses and tells me that he loves me. He yells it to me out the car window when he and Jay leave in the mornings and when I put him to bed he yells it to me as I’m closing the door. I’m soaking in all this affection. I hope it lasts for a long time.
While we enjoyed our trip together, we are not looking to go away for an extended time without them again anytime soon. I would love to take another trip with them- part of the fun is watching them have a new experience. But, I'm thinking that it is okay to have a night without them every now and then.
I’m still trying to figure out what the balancing act is going to be. I’m thinking of keeping the Saturday morning yoga class for now and seeing if that is enough of a recharge. I’m not sure if complete balance is possible, but I’d like to get closer than I am now.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Intentions
Ever had one of those weeks where despite your best thought out intentions that nothing will go right and everyone around you seems hell bent on keeping that way?
Before I left on vacation, I had it all planned out in my head- I’d return well rested, recharged and ready to be super parent. I’d start back up my exercise regimen that had lagged since throwing all my energy into WC and his emotional issues. I’d also start back working on my query letter for my novel and maybe even begin writing my next project. I was going to come back and find the balance in my life that had been lacking. HA…HA…HA…HA. What was I thinking? I didn’t hit the lottery…I still had to come back to my day job.
What I came home to was: a dead cat, one child who refused to do anything, another child who tried to super glue himself to me, emotional breakdowns from both kids over said dead cat, an overdraft notice, a disaster of a house, and a stray cat living in my garage (who WC has since named JoJo). My sister had left a bottle of Cuervo Black in the cabinet and I discovered it was really good with Coke Zero-too good. I’ve since sworn it off.
Spring break ruined WC. We were doing rather nicely before then. Although we had hit a small bump in the karate road right before break- and I thought a break would fix it. HA…HA…HA…HA. Not a chance. When I say he refused to do anything. Only the involuntary bodily functions that go on to sustain life where the only things he did without constant reminders. The worst day by far was Wednesday. When I picked him from karate I discovered that not only did he not do any of his homework during homework time but that he’d taken so long to get dressed that he only made the last 15 min of the 45 minute karate class. Now, why they left a 7 year old unattended in the dressing room for that long without checking on him wasn’t answered. But I do know the normal Sensei was not there and I’m not sure what happened. But things didn’t get any better at home. He asked if he could eat before homework. Which I agreed and he wanted letter spaghetti. Then he proceeded to eat his letter spaghetti- one letter at a time. I wish I were kidding.
The first part of his homework, which was supposed to be completed during homework time at the dojo, was for him to pick out three of his vocab words and write a question using the word- basically come up with three questions. I’ve had him complete this task in 15-20 minutes. I left him at the table to work on it. Every now and then I’d ask him how he was doing. He said fine. About 25 minutes in I asked him how many he had left. He said one. At the 30 minute mark, I went in to check on him and discovered a page full of doodles and no actual work. Not a single letter on that page. Now I’m angry. Its 6:30 and this is just one thing of several other things that have to be completed before he can go to bed. And he needs to be in bed by 8 since we get up so early.
I press ten minutes on the kitchen timer and tell them that he had ten minutes to do it. Whatever isn’t completed by then he’ll just have to tell his teacher that he didn’t do his homework. And, of course, when the timer goes off he has one question left to write.
I tell him to put away his work, his time is up. He begins to sob and Jay comes in and says that he was writing as fast as he could when the timer went off. And he should be able to finish it. I counter with that he’s had forty five minutes (not even mentioned the time at karate he should have done it) to complete it.
Jay insists that he should be allowed to finish his last sentence (totally undermining me). And I tell him that he has to deal with it then and leave the room. He isn’t home during homework time and doesn’t actually understand what I go through trying to get this child through the homework on a daily basis. So Jay doesn’t actually deal with it at all and leaves WC alone and it takes him another twenty to write one last question and leaves me with having to push him through the remainder of the homework before bed.
I don’t understand homework at this age and I don’t see that it does really any good towards learning. With the exception of reading- I’m finding that the more I make WC to sit down with a book and read to me the better he is getting. But afternoons are a time crunch for most families who have parents working outside the home- there isn’t time for resting and spending time together. I hate coming home and feeling like a drill sergeant- to get everything accomplished before they have to be in bed. It’s proven that people in misery don’t learn. If you’re not enjoying something and are not interested and engaged in the activity- it isn’t going to sink in. And that is what most sit down homework is at his grade. I’m not an educator, so I have to believe that they do have reasons and there is a method to the insanity. I hope so; I don’t see it getting better, only worse as he progresses through the levels.
I will now step down off my soapbox regarding the homework issue.
As we’ve gotten further back into our routines, he has gotten better- sort of. He’s such a dawdler, there has to be a way to light a fire under his tush. His regular Sensei returned and he finally dressed out and went to class and guess what? He got that tip he’d been wanting. I did point that out to him when he told me.
Even though, my week didn’t go as planned with my exercising or my writing- I did manage to do one good thing for myself. I took myself to a yoga class Saturday morning. I’d learned about a yoga studio twenty minutes from my house and they had a class at 9 am on Saturday. Throughout March I’d meant to go but with getting ready for the trip, I never managed to make it. So Friday night, I’d told Jay that I was going. It was an hour and half long with a meditation at the beginning and the end. I’d left so relaxed and recharged. Just what I needed to get myself through another week.
Before I left on vacation, I had it all planned out in my head- I’d return well rested, recharged and ready to be super parent. I’d start back up my exercise regimen that had lagged since throwing all my energy into WC and his emotional issues. I’d also start back working on my query letter for my novel and maybe even begin writing my next project. I was going to come back and find the balance in my life that had been lacking. HA…HA…HA…HA. What was I thinking? I didn’t hit the lottery…I still had to come back to my day job.
What I came home to was: a dead cat, one child who refused to do anything, another child who tried to super glue himself to me, emotional breakdowns from both kids over said dead cat, an overdraft notice, a disaster of a house, and a stray cat living in my garage (who WC has since named JoJo). My sister had left a bottle of Cuervo Black in the cabinet and I discovered it was really good with Coke Zero-too good. I’ve since sworn it off.
Spring break ruined WC. We were doing rather nicely before then. Although we had hit a small bump in the karate road right before break- and I thought a break would fix it. HA…HA…HA…HA. Not a chance. When I say he refused to do anything. Only the involuntary bodily functions that go on to sustain life where the only things he did without constant reminders. The worst day by far was Wednesday. When I picked him from karate I discovered that not only did he not do any of his homework during homework time but that he’d taken so long to get dressed that he only made the last 15 min of the 45 minute karate class. Now, why they left a 7 year old unattended in the dressing room for that long without checking on him wasn’t answered. But I do know the normal Sensei was not there and I’m not sure what happened. But things didn’t get any better at home. He asked if he could eat before homework. Which I agreed and he wanted letter spaghetti. Then he proceeded to eat his letter spaghetti- one letter at a time. I wish I were kidding.
The first part of his homework, which was supposed to be completed during homework time at the dojo, was for him to pick out three of his vocab words and write a question using the word- basically come up with three questions. I’ve had him complete this task in 15-20 minutes. I left him at the table to work on it. Every now and then I’d ask him how he was doing. He said fine. About 25 minutes in I asked him how many he had left. He said one. At the 30 minute mark, I went in to check on him and discovered a page full of doodles and no actual work. Not a single letter on that page. Now I’m angry. Its 6:30 and this is just one thing of several other things that have to be completed before he can go to bed. And he needs to be in bed by 8 since we get up so early.
I press ten minutes on the kitchen timer and tell them that he had ten minutes to do it. Whatever isn’t completed by then he’ll just have to tell his teacher that he didn’t do his homework. And, of course, when the timer goes off he has one question left to write.
I tell him to put away his work, his time is up. He begins to sob and Jay comes in and says that he was writing as fast as he could when the timer went off. And he should be able to finish it. I counter with that he’s had forty five minutes (not even mentioned the time at karate he should have done it) to complete it.
Jay insists that he should be allowed to finish his last sentence (totally undermining me). And I tell him that he has to deal with it then and leave the room. He isn’t home during homework time and doesn’t actually understand what I go through trying to get this child through the homework on a daily basis. So Jay doesn’t actually deal with it at all and leaves WC alone and it takes him another twenty to write one last question and leaves me with having to push him through the remainder of the homework before bed.
I don’t understand homework at this age and I don’t see that it does really any good towards learning. With the exception of reading- I’m finding that the more I make WC to sit down with a book and read to me the better he is getting. But afternoons are a time crunch for most families who have parents working outside the home- there isn’t time for resting and spending time together. I hate coming home and feeling like a drill sergeant- to get everything accomplished before they have to be in bed. It’s proven that people in misery don’t learn. If you’re not enjoying something and are not interested and engaged in the activity- it isn’t going to sink in. And that is what most sit down homework is at his grade. I’m not an educator, so I have to believe that they do have reasons and there is a method to the insanity. I hope so; I don’t see it getting better, only worse as he progresses through the levels.
I will now step down off my soapbox regarding the homework issue.
As we’ve gotten further back into our routines, he has gotten better- sort of. He’s such a dawdler, there has to be a way to light a fire under his tush. His regular Sensei returned and he finally dressed out and went to class and guess what? He got that tip he’d been wanting. I did point that out to him when he told me.
Even though, my week didn’t go as planned with my exercising or my writing- I did manage to do one good thing for myself. I took myself to a yoga class Saturday morning. I’d learned about a yoga studio twenty minutes from my house and they had a class at 9 am on Saturday. Throughout March I’d meant to go but with getting ready for the trip, I never managed to make it. So Friday night, I’d told Jay that I was going. It was an hour and half long with a meditation at the beginning and the end. I’d left so relaxed and recharged. Just what I needed to get myself through another week.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Farewell, Old Friend
It is with a heavy heart that I write this. While my husband and I were away on our trip celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary, our beloved kitty and my companion for the past 15 years passed away.
A year and a half ago she was diagnosed with diabetes and given about three months to live. So, I took her home to spend her last days. The vet had told me that when it was time, I would know. But she continued on living her little pampered kitty existence and I struggled with the vets words. How would I know? She didnt seem any different. My mother rattled on and on in my ear about not letting the boys find that cat dead. I assured my mom that I didnt want that, either.
The Friday before we left (on Sunday) I knew. It was time. She'd quit eating on Wednesday and by Friday she could no longer jump up on our bed. On Saturday she could barely walk across the room and only came out from behind the rocking chair to drink water and pee on the bathroom floor. She looked like hell. My fluffy orange tabby looked like a ragged, half starved stray. The neuropathy the vet spoke of had obviously set in. But I couldn't get her to the vet before we left. If she lasted the week, then I would have to take her when we returned. We were on a cruise ship for a week- so I was without contact. I'd left my sister the vets phone number and directions. I'd contacted the vet to let them know the situation.
When we hit dry land again, I called my mom. When she answered the phone and heard my voice- there was a change in her tone and I knew. But I asked about the boys first and how they were and the week had gone. Finally, I asked the question that I already knew the answer to.
Rhi had passed away on Tuesday. My sister found her in the floor and her boyfriend rushed them to a local pet ER. There wasn't anything that could be done.
She was a good kitty. In fact, maybe too good. Both of boys don't really get that cats aren't all like her. Rhi was a easy going animal. She's moved with me from place to place, saw boyfriends come and go then accepted Jay. People asked me when I was pregnant with WC- you're keeping the cat? As if I'm going to give away a member of my family. Then they would inevitably launch into some story about someone they knew whose cat had pissed all over the house once a baby came home. So we brought WC home and the cat still used the litter box. She always had her own toys, food and a sanctuary to retreat to and be alone if she wanted. Most of the time she stayed right in the room with everyone and watched or slept. Then we brought CJ home and I think she looked at me and her eyes said you just had to bring another one of those home. In the wintertime, she loved to curl up right on the couch with the kids- if only she could keep her heaters still long enough. They loved to rub her fur and she would put up with their roudiness for a while until she'd had enough. She had a full set of claws and never once did she ever scratch them.
There will never be another cat like her. Rhiannon will be missed.
A year and a half ago she was diagnosed with diabetes and given about three months to live. So, I took her home to spend her last days. The vet had told me that when it was time, I would know. But she continued on living her little pampered kitty existence and I struggled with the vets words. How would I know? She didnt seem any different. My mother rattled on and on in my ear about not letting the boys find that cat dead. I assured my mom that I didnt want that, either.
The Friday before we left (on Sunday) I knew. It was time. She'd quit eating on Wednesday and by Friday she could no longer jump up on our bed. On Saturday she could barely walk across the room and only came out from behind the rocking chair to drink water and pee on the bathroom floor. She looked like hell. My fluffy orange tabby looked like a ragged, half starved stray. The neuropathy the vet spoke of had obviously set in. But I couldn't get her to the vet before we left. If she lasted the week, then I would have to take her when we returned. We were on a cruise ship for a week- so I was without contact. I'd left my sister the vets phone number and directions. I'd contacted the vet to let them know the situation.
When we hit dry land again, I called my mom. When she answered the phone and heard my voice- there was a change in her tone and I knew. But I asked about the boys first and how they were and the week had gone. Finally, I asked the question that I already knew the answer to.
Rhi had passed away on Tuesday. My sister found her in the floor and her boyfriend rushed them to a local pet ER. There wasn't anything that could be done.
She was a good kitty. In fact, maybe too good. Both of boys don't really get that cats aren't all like her. Rhi was a easy going animal. She's moved with me from place to place, saw boyfriends come and go then accepted Jay. People asked me when I was pregnant with WC- you're keeping the cat? As if I'm going to give away a member of my family. Then they would inevitably launch into some story about someone they knew whose cat had pissed all over the house once a baby came home. So we brought WC home and the cat still used the litter box. She always had her own toys, food and a sanctuary to retreat to and be alone if she wanted. Most of the time she stayed right in the room with everyone and watched or slept. Then we brought CJ home and I think she looked at me and her eyes said you just had to bring another one of those home. In the wintertime, she loved to curl up right on the couch with the kids- if only she could keep her heaters still long enough. They loved to rub her fur and she would put up with their roudiness for a while until she'd had enough. She had a full set of claws and never once did she ever scratch them.
There will never be another cat like her. Rhiannon will be missed.
Friday, March 18, 2011
And then the rose colored glasses fell off
WC is in his second week of a new after school karate program. He's been picked up at school by his new instructor (who also picks up from other local schools) where they go back to the dojo and have homework/snack time and a 45 min karate lesson or conditioning games.
I thought for sure, with his negative attitude and distaste for change, that he'd have a rough adjustment of it for a week or two. The first Monday, I arrived and he was all smiles. He climbed into the car and his mouth ran 50 miles an hour. Every phrase began with, "Guess what?" And, of course, I had to respond with "What" after every single time.
He loved it...every single bit. I breathed a sigh of relief and then wondered how long that would last. I felt guilty for my pessimism. But, I do know this child very, very well.
How long would his love of this new karate class last... Turns out 9 days.
The building was warm last night when I arrived. Since, it was our first day of temps to hit 70 this year, It was clear to me that they discovered their air conditioning didn't work.
WC emerged from the boys changing room with a frown that dragged the floor. "I didn't have a good day," he declared and dropped to the floor to put his shoes on.
"Because it's hot in here," I asked.
"Because I didn't get a tip," he huffed. (A tip is a piece of colored tape placed on their belt. It signifies they've completed a step towards qualifying to test for the next level belt. They are big deals). He received his first two tips within the first week and I think that set an unrealistic expectation in his brain.
"No one gets tips every class," I countered.
"But, I did my best and I earned it. I can't do better," he argued once we reached the car. "This is why I hated karate."
I tried to explain that if continues to go in and do his best that he will earn the next tip. When he complained that others in the class got tips, I tried to counter with how his karate is all about him and not anyone else. He isn't competing against anyone else. I think he may have looked at my like I was crazy, but I was driving the car and couldn't be sure.
Although, by the time his father got home and I told him that WC had a down day his explanation had changed slightly. He told Jay that Sensei had a long, hard day and was frustrated that afternoon! He didn't even mention the disappointment over the tip.
WC told me in the car this morning that he didn't like karate anymore. I just told him that I loved him and to have a good day.
I thought for sure, with his negative attitude and distaste for change, that he'd have a rough adjustment of it for a week or two. The first Monday, I arrived and he was all smiles. He climbed into the car and his mouth ran 50 miles an hour. Every phrase began with, "Guess what?" And, of course, I had to respond with "What" after every single time.
He loved it...every single bit. I breathed a sigh of relief and then wondered how long that would last. I felt guilty for my pessimism. But, I do know this child very, very well.
How long would his love of this new karate class last... Turns out 9 days.
The building was warm last night when I arrived. Since, it was our first day of temps to hit 70 this year, It was clear to me that they discovered their air conditioning didn't work.
WC emerged from the boys changing room with a frown that dragged the floor. "I didn't have a good day," he declared and dropped to the floor to put his shoes on.
"Because it's hot in here," I asked.
"Because I didn't get a tip," he huffed. (A tip is a piece of colored tape placed on their belt. It signifies they've completed a step towards qualifying to test for the next level belt. They are big deals). He received his first two tips within the first week and I think that set an unrealistic expectation in his brain.
"No one gets tips every class," I countered.
"But, I did my best and I earned it. I can't do better," he argued once we reached the car. "This is why I hated karate."
I tried to explain that if continues to go in and do his best that he will earn the next tip. When he complained that others in the class got tips, I tried to counter with how his karate is all about him and not anyone else. He isn't competing against anyone else. I think he may have looked at my like I was crazy, but I was driving the car and couldn't be sure.
Although, by the time his father got home and I told him that WC had a down day his explanation had changed slightly. He told Jay that Sensei had a long, hard day and was frustrated that afternoon! He didn't even mention the disappointment over the tip.
WC told me in the car this morning that he didn't like karate anymore. I just told him that I loved him and to have a good day.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Relieved
I had a discussion with CJ’s preschool teacher concerning his behavior. He’s been worrying me a bit lately with raging temper tantrums that seem to be getting worse. The other day he received a behavioral write up from another teacher who, when she attempted to place him in time out for repeated name calling, was subjected to his raging fit and he punched her in the legs with his closed fists. And with two months until his fourth birthday- I’m thinking he should have better control over his emotions at this point.
In our conversation I expressed to her, knowing she is degreed in early childhood education and has fifteen years in working with young kids, that he picked up learning things so easily but seemed so far behind in behavior. Then she explained to me that it is very common. That if a child is growing leaps and bounds on the cognitive side that the emotional/social side lags behind in development. It is impossible for them to grow on both sides at the same time. All of the energy is being used for the one thing. And the same thing goes for children who mature in the social/emotional side quickly. She has kids who can sit down, follow directions and respond appropriately to their emotions but are dumber than a nail (her phrase, not mine). She said that the delayed side will catch up. She didn’t give me any time frame- I’m praying it happens significantly sooner than his 20th birthday. She also takes into account that he is youngest child in the class, everyone else is already well past their fourth birthday. It wouldn’t be appropriate to put him in the younger room because he needs the harder curriculum. So she works a lot with him one on one. Have I ever mentioned how ridiculously happy I am that I changed his childcare facility?
Another thing to consider for his behavior is that he is aware of his own physical limitations. His feelings of frustration and anger can stem from that he is aware that he just ‘can’t do’ yet- he is aware it is possible for older and bigger children to do things that he is unable to and his explosions may be about more than just the incident that triggered him. So when I tell him he must use his fork to eat spaghetti and he throws himself into the floor screaming- it’s probably about more than that.
For now, we continue to work with him in identifying his emotions and giving him appropriate ways to express himself. She went on to tell me that she has noticed that if he has a total meltdown early in the morning that he is a perfect child the rest of the day. Once he’s had his explosion, he is great. I’m not sure what to make of that. Maybe I can piss him off when I wake him up so that he melts down early?
But I’m not into starting the day on a negative tone.
In our conversation I expressed to her, knowing she is degreed in early childhood education and has fifteen years in working with young kids, that he picked up learning things so easily but seemed so far behind in behavior. Then she explained to me that it is very common. That if a child is growing leaps and bounds on the cognitive side that the emotional/social side lags behind in development. It is impossible for them to grow on both sides at the same time. All of the energy is being used for the one thing. And the same thing goes for children who mature in the social/emotional side quickly. She has kids who can sit down, follow directions and respond appropriately to their emotions but are dumber than a nail (her phrase, not mine). She said that the delayed side will catch up. She didn’t give me any time frame- I’m praying it happens significantly sooner than his 20th birthday. She also takes into account that he is youngest child in the class, everyone else is already well past their fourth birthday. It wouldn’t be appropriate to put him in the younger room because he needs the harder curriculum. So she works a lot with him one on one. Have I ever mentioned how ridiculously happy I am that I changed his childcare facility?
Another thing to consider for his behavior is that he is aware of his own physical limitations. His feelings of frustration and anger can stem from that he is aware that he just ‘can’t do’ yet- he is aware it is possible for older and bigger children to do things that he is unable to and his explosions may be about more than just the incident that triggered him. So when I tell him he must use his fork to eat spaghetti and he throws himself into the floor screaming- it’s probably about more than that.
For now, we continue to work with him in identifying his emotions and giving him appropriate ways to express himself. She went on to tell me that she has noticed that if he has a total meltdown early in the morning that he is a perfect child the rest of the day. Once he’s had his explosion, he is great. I’m not sure what to make of that. Maybe I can piss him off when I wake him up so that he melts down early?
But I’m not into starting the day on a negative tone.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Simplest Thing
I’ve just finished reading Parent Talk by Chick Moorman. It is where I got the idea to do the positive visualization with WC. Now that I’ve read it cover to cover and digested some of its contents I think that I am ready to post some of my opinions on what I have read and used from the book.
In the simplest view of the book, it gives stock phrases to use in certain situations. In the beginning Mr. Moorman suggests writing some of them down on index cards for reference. I don’t know about anyone else, but it doesn’t seem practical to me that in the moment you have to stop and consult an index card on the right thing to say in the situation. But, after reading through the whole thing and using some of it and letting it sink in- to stop and have to think about something rather than reacting negatively may not be such a bad thing. Some of us get into unhealthy patterns that we learned in childhood from the way parents dealt with us. While philosophically we don’t agree- sometimes the automatic action prevails in spite.
The point of the book is to become conscious of what you say and how you react to and interpret what your children do. Until the positive responses are the automatic ones.
Mr. Moorman makes a point that we should understand normal childhood development and view your child’s behavior in that context. And in doing so, we really do not have to have the patience of a saint to be good parents.
The book begins with the suggestion that we should use the words: decide, pick and choose a lot with our kids. Because it will be language that they will grow to understand that they are responsible for their behavior and likewise the consequences. For example: If you decide to hit your brother then you choose to sit in time out. Or. Your brother needs to study. You can choose to play in here quietly or in your room. Which I have used numerous times. And I usually have to remind him, If you choose to disrupt your brothers homework then you decide to go back to your room. And oddly enough this ends with him cooperating or he’ll decide to go back to his room on his own.
Now the one thing that I had to laugh at is “please make another choice”. You tell the child what the inappropriate behavior they are engaged in and then tell them to “please make another choice.” Because I’m going to be chasing them around the house constantly saying, “Please make another choice.” Then they’ll go climb another wall. I tried this one a couple of times but haven’t worked it in to a regular rotation. I may try it again in the near future.
The simplest thing that he suggested and I couldn’t believe this would work is. Limit use of “No.” Everyone knows that toddlers are experts in this word. Most of them say the word while they doing something they aren’t supposed to. The author made the point that once you respond with No, the other party stops listening and begins to form their rebuttal in their head. For example: “Can we go outside.” Response: “No- not until after the toys are picked up.” The problem is that the kid quit listening after the “No” and never even heard the part about the toys. It couldn’t be that simple- could it? I got the opportunity to try this one on Valentine’s Day. The boys had gotten a heart shaped box of six chocolates. At five thirty they asked if they could eat one. I didn’t want them to until after they’d eaten dinner. So I said, “Yes- after you eat dinner.” You know what happened. They said Okay and put the boxes on the table and ran off to play. If only everything could be that simple.
There is much more to the book and I'll post some more stories of trying these out and the results.
In the simplest view of the book, it gives stock phrases to use in certain situations. In the beginning Mr. Moorman suggests writing some of them down on index cards for reference. I don’t know about anyone else, but it doesn’t seem practical to me that in the moment you have to stop and consult an index card on the right thing to say in the situation. But, after reading through the whole thing and using some of it and letting it sink in- to stop and have to think about something rather than reacting negatively may not be such a bad thing. Some of us get into unhealthy patterns that we learned in childhood from the way parents dealt with us. While philosophically we don’t agree- sometimes the automatic action prevails in spite.
The point of the book is to become conscious of what you say and how you react to and interpret what your children do. Until the positive responses are the automatic ones.
Mr. Moorman makes a point that we should understand normal childhood development and view your child’s behavior in that context. And in doing so, we really do not have to have the patience of a saint to be good parents.
The book begins with the suggestion that we should use the words: decide, pick and choose a lot with our kids. Because it will be language that they will grow to understand that they are responsible for their behavior and likewise the consequences. For example: If you decide to hit your brother then you choose to sit in time out. Or. Your brother needs to study. You can choose to play in here quietly or in your room. Which I have used numerous times. And I usually have to remind him, If you choose to disrupt your brothers homework then you decide to go back to your room. And oddly enough this ends with him cooperating or he’ll decide to go back to his room on his own.
Now the one thing that I had to laugh at is “please make another choice”. You tell the child what the inappropriate behavior they are engaged in and then tell them to “please make another choice.” Because I’m going to be chasing them around the house constantly saying, “Please make another choice.” Then they’ll go climb another wall. I tried this one a couple of times but haven’t worked it in to a regular rotation. I may try it again in the near future.
The simplest thing that he suggested and I couldn’t believe this would work is. Limit use of “No.” Everyone knows that toddlers are experts in this word. Most of them say the word while they doing something they aren’t supposed to. The author made the point that once you respond with No, the other party stops listening and begins to form their rebuttal in their head. For example: “Can we go outside.” Response: “No- not until after the toys are picked up.” The problem is that the kid quit listening after the “No” and never even heard the part about the toys. It couldn’t be that simple- could it? I got the opportunity to try this one on Valentine’s Day. The boys had gotten a heart shaped box of six chocolates. At five thirty they asked if they could eat one. I didn’t want them to until after they’d eaten dinner. So I said, “Yes- after you eat dinner.” You know what happened. They said Okay and put the boxes on the table and ran off to play. If only everything could be that simple.
There is much more to the book and I'll post some more stories of trying these out and the results.
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