What do you get when a hooker and a snake show up at your yard sale?

Believe it or not the answer isn't a dirty joke or riddle. It would be my weekend. My best friend of 18 years, Kris, and myself planned to hold a yard sale together this spring and purge all of our baby items and clothes that we no longer needed. She also has two boys: Ry (4) & Bryce (17 months). We have a lot of baby items. Well the spring sale turned into a summer one and then we procrastinated some more until it turned into the sale hosted on the two hottest days of the year. 98 degrees with heat index of 105 and humidity out the wazoo. Yes, we were out side. Friday the day was pretty much a bust. We chased off two guys with thick accents who kept trying to get us to sell them our whole lot of baby clothes for $20 under the claim they were sending them to needy kids in Africa. Yeah, right...they were going to sell them for a huge amount over what they paid us. Then when they left- suspect but have no proof- they are why our signs ended up missing. We were only selling the clothes for a quarter a piece anyway. Saturday morning rolled around and we were moving stuff into the driveway at about ten til seven in the morning. Joe, Kris's husband, put up brand new signs. A car speeds to a stop at the end of the driveway- a woman with frizzy bleach blond hair jumps out of the car. And yells at us if we have a cell phone. "For sale," Kris yells back. "Yeah mine broke." Kris offers to go in the house and see if she can find an old one and disappears, leaving me alone. The woman starts talking to me while I continue to put stuff out and pretend I don't notice her skin tight jeans and gold shiny halter top with the fat roll squished out over the top of the jeans and hanging out from under the halter top. She had no business being bra less- either. And still had stitches in her side from having moles or something removed. Smeared mascara and eyeliner gave her raccoon eyes. She babbled so fast she had to be on speed. She wanted to know if we had any clothes. Kris had a few things. But she wanted to know if we had any halter or tube tops. Um, no. Stiletto heels? Um, again...no. Kris returned with an old phone & charger combo and handed them to the woman. Who offered her money. Kris refused. Then the woman wanted to buy one of Kris's dresses. It was ten dollars. The woman said she needed to go to the bank and left. When she was gone I asked Kris, "Didn't she just get paid...in cash?" Of course, the hooker didnt come back for the dress.

About eight Jay dropped our boys off so he could get his haircut. I told him to come back for CJ around eleven to take him home for lunch and nap. This would give Jay a couple hours to himself- thought I'd be nice. My hope was with WC there that CJ would be okay to go off with him and play. Especially stay in the house because it was so hot outside, He wouldnt go anywhere but up under my feet. I tried to stay sitting in front of the fan- so he would stay there too. Jay came back about nine thirty. He couldnt figure out what to do (LOL).  Ry & WC were inside watching Batman so he took CJ & Bryce followed into the house. With Jay there Joe went to Home Depot for plants (their front hedges all died). Things were uneventful for a time. When Jay took CJ home- WC didnt want to go, so I let him stay and play with Ry & Bryce.

The three boys were in the garage with us playing on one of those battery operated cars they could ride in. It was meant for one child- somehow all three were crammed in there & the battery almost dead so they werent moving very fast. Kris decided to go through some boxes in the garage. Suddenly she jumps back and yells, "I think it's a snake." She runs out into the yard and screams, "Joe, I think it's a snake." I get up and go look into the box- the lid hadnt been closed all the way. And sure enough there are two little black beady eyes staring up at me. "Yep- it's a snake." I confirm. Kris is having a come apart. Joe comes in and takes the lid the rest of the way off. He & I stand there looking down into the box at this snake coiled around the toys in the bottom. While I dont want one in the house- snakes dont bother me. I think they're kinda cool and they eat mice and rats. Which was what this guy had done. They'd had a rat/ mice in the garage, we'd seen the droppings. And now here was a snake with a lump in it. Since it took care of the rodent we arent going to kill it. The boys want to look at the snake, Joe wants to photograph it and I just want to go release it in the woods. Somehow it was then decided since his mom was on her way over that we'd leave it in the box and show it to her. So Kris puts a flower pot on top of the box lid (as though the snake's going to bust out). The snake was being as still as it could be hoping we'd all go away & leave it to digest its dinner. So his mom arrives and they get her to open the box top- she screams a profanity and runs across the garage & they laugh. Okay so now you've had your fun can we take the box to the woods? No, of course not. Joe decides he want to pick the snake up out the box. He dons leather gardening gloves and a paint stirrer then removes the box top. After mom screamed the snakes now coiled further into the botton of the box and freaked. Joe's now poking it with the paint stirrer and trying to grab it with a gloved hand. Mom & Kris are having a cow on the opposite side of the garage, I'm in the middle telling him to get it by the head and the boys have returned to their vehicle play at the back of the garage. If you dont see where this is going- the snake gets out of the box & loose in the garage. It makes a bee line back towards the garage wall - there is a hole. Joe's slinging boxes out away from the wall and grabbing the snake and pulling it trying to keep it from the hole but has to let go to keep snake from coming back around and biting him. There is a woman trying to buy a shirt from us her male companion is watching from the comfort of his car & laughing. Eventually the snake does whirl around and bite him on the (gloved) finger- causing Joe to sling the snake back up into the air. The snake is airborne, Kris is screaming and running -accusing Joe of throwing it at her. The snake hits the ground then heads towards the back of the garage (where the kids are). It's about a 3 and a half to four feet long. Joe is using the box top as a shield and the paint stirrer as a sword and trying to divert the snake from going back where the kids are. It's curled up and striking at Joe.  "Get the boys out," he yells. Since I'm the only other adult still inside the garage I pick up Ry and set him down w/ instructions to get in the house, then WC and I grab up Bryce and carry him following the other two up the steps into the house. A few minutes later Kris enters the house and tells me to go help Joe pick up the box and take it off to the woods-she wouldnt even touch the box. Somehow he managed to get the snake back into the box we found it in. We werent even allowed to take it to the wooded area closest to the house, we had to drive to the other end of the subdivision to release it. Joe and I sat the box down at the tree line and opened it. He prodded it with the paint stirrer and it poked it head out and finally crawled out into the grass and headed back into the trees. Back at the house he told Kris that we were rid of the snake- unless it had babies in the wall.