Purge

Saturday morning, I woke up and knew...it was time. The boys closet had become a massive mound of boxes and old toys piled a couple feet deep. And the vast majority of it outgrown. It was time to purge the baby stuff. The closet had become a hazard- WC had to resort to standing on top of a pile of toys to reach his pants. They would go recreational mountain climbing in there and inevitably, one of them would get stuck. Around here it may as well have been an engraved invitation addressed to any brown recluse spider in a 30 mile radius. The closet would have qualified for that show called Hoarders.

Armed with a mug of coffee and trash bag- in I went. Started in the front and began sorting- stray puzzle pieces in one pile, orphaned shoes, socks (never have I stored socks in the closet), crayons, Lego's, action figures. Then I went through the boxes of clothes- anything too small for CJ was going to charity. I found the first pair of shoes that both boys wore- Stride Rites- brown suede leather, very cute. We had a very difficult time finding shoes for WC- his foot was so wide & thick from top to bottom. Going to Stride Rite store gave me an anxiety attack- How much for such a small pair of frickin' shoes? But both boys wore them- and they are still very good looking shoes and the bottoms were still perfect. They were definitely quality shoes. They sat on the outside of the donation boxes for some time. I went back and forth on whether or not to part with them. The only reason to keep them were my emotions but what would that do? Where would I put them? And what really would be the point? At some point in time they will decay. They are stuff. On the other hand, they are really nice shoes that could bless someone who doesn't have the funds to buy shoes for their baby. In the box they went. And all the clothes that both of them wore. I cleaned out. I wish I had a before and after photo of the closet. It felt great removing it all from the house. The only thing left will be the baby bed (that's currently a daybed for CJ) this summer.

I made a comment to Jay that we were getting rid of all the baby things. "That's kind of sad," he replied.

"I really would have thought so too, but I'm okay with it. I'm really excited to see what amazing little boys our babies are turning into. I am looking forward to these next stages."

In my heart, I feel we are complete right now. Biologically, I can't have any more babies. At one point when CJ was a newborn, my sister became pregnant and I thought I'd be raising another child very close in age to CJ. The child didn't live (I wonder what it would have been like- I would have two, two year olds right now). My mom thought I was crazy but I felt up for it.  If I begin to feel called to bring another life into our clan, we'll adopt. A girl. But at this stage I feel we are complete and it's time to move the old stuff out and get ready for what's next.

A couple weeks back, I cleaned out the linen closet- so we had a ton of things to go. Ended up being two car loads. Jay took the first load and picked up lunch. After lunch, I drove the second load to the drop location. In my load- there was the high chair. It was used for both kids. I took it out of the kitchen a couple weeks back. I've been okay with it missing.

When I pulled out of the parking lot, I could see it sitting in the back of the truck and I drove past leaving it- and all the other boxes behind. Tears came to my eyes. I'm done with the baby thing. I spent a long time prepping/hoping/praying for the babies. In a blink it's done. It isn't that I drove away wishing for a new baby. I drove away missing CJ when he was a baby- that period of my life. I turned thirty all round and filled with new life. He came into this world and I felt I came into my own. I became a better mother. I loved every minute of his infancy. And it will never be back. Don't get me wrong- I love my little guy now too. It was a bittersweet moment getting rid of the stuff. I'm glad I did.