Tuesday, October 30, 2007


Several years ago when visiting my maternal grandparents at the nursing home they lived in I would pass a small stone church along the way. Slowly I began to wonder what it was like on the inside until one day I decided that I just had to visit there for a service. Now it was an Episcopal church; I had never been to a church of that denomination before and didn't know anyone who would be there. But there I sat in last row one Sunday morning as the procession of people came down the aisle following a cross and a bible ( I had never seen that before). Then the priest that began speaking was a woman! I had no idea that women could be preachers; I had never seen one before. This amazed me and I knew I was where I was supposed to be.
Unfortunately for her, she decided to allow a man who had been convicted for molesting a child with mental handicap work with the children of the church and then lied about it. The truth always has a way of coming out and she lost her job. Now she could have been believing in the best of humanity but you don't put a cookie thief in the room with a full cookie jar.
At this point I was teaching second grade Sunday school, part time secretary and was deeply committed to this particular church. And when I was approached to be the co-youth minister along with this guy whose parents and brother attended the church but he'd been away at college and was back. This was the first time I'd met Jay; I'd seen him around but we'd not been introduced. The first few times Jay and I went out we were accompanied by 6-10 teenagers!
Being their youth minister was a volunteer position; we had no budget from the church since it was struggling to make ends meet. So we raised all our own money. It was challenging and rewarding but after two years we were burnt out not only from the youth but the population of the church had dwindled so much and the new priest wasn't what we'd hoped. As he ran more and more people away the vestry was relying on us for many other things. Every time someone new visited on Sunday we were pushed to go speak with them and attempt to make them feel welcome and to come back. I think the eagerness of those who were there made newcomers feel....well weirded them out. I know I would be.
Unfortunately after Jay & I left no one else really became the youth minister and the church eventually closed down. But I hear its back now with a new location and the priest is someone who was in seminary at the time Jay & I were at the church.
Jay and I began attending another Episcopal Church, where we were married. The associate rector was the same age as Jay and his sermons were so relevant. He took things like footballs, Silence of the Lambs and even tossed jolly ranchers at the parishioners one morning & they all tied into his message. To this day I've never heard another priest that interesting. But he left and started his own church because he felt led to; the rector left because of family issues and I think he may have left priesthood all together. We moved away and I just haven't really been to a church regularly in 4 years. On Sunday we told WC we were going to church and he replied: "to buy paint?" And Jay said we need to go more because WC thinks church is a Sherwin Williams (paint store).
I just don't know how we got this way. I used to be so dedicated and really enjoyed it. We've visited several places over the past year and nothing gives me that "this is it, this is home & where I'm supposed to be" feeling. So I'm searching and praying. I want to raise my boys in a church but I just have to find the right one.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Random on life with kids...

The thing that's dring me crazy lately: WC refers to himself in the third person, constantly. All I hear is, "WC wants blah blah blah." or "WC paints the pokins." (pumpkins)
It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Jimmy constantly refers to himself, "Jimmy likes Elaine."

Truth: teething sucks.

Fact: How long does it take for someone with two small children to carve one pumpkin? Undetermined: I have yet to finish. Started yesterday afternoon.

How long does it take to get an appointment with a speech pathologist? So far, 10 business days & counting.

WC came home last night after a weekend at his nana's house. They went to a fall festival at their church. Last night I was tucking him into bed when he declared to me, "Nana's my grandkid." I think he's got that backwards!

Friday, October 26, 2007

An exhausting go of life

My own insignificance is overwhelming me at the moment.
I've been grieving over the loss of my grandparents; i grew up in the house across the street and we were very close. i practically lived with them.
They passed on from this life in February and April, almost 2 months to the day apart. they were married 67 years & lived in the same house for 60 years. He left first, which was a suprise, at 97 he still worked part time where most people thought he was 70. She had dementia and had slowly left us. They still lived in their own home until the day they left this world. They took care of each other; he took care of her when her mind left. The day we buried him she gave up on life. My uncle moved into her house to take care of her & reported that she often yelled out in the middle of the night, "wait for me husband, I'm coming!"
Three weeks before she passed on, i had a dream, someone told me that she didn't have 30 days left here. So when we arrived at my parents house to pick up WC (i was pregnanct w/ CJ) and my mom told me that grandma was gone. I wasn't suprised but was a little rattled that i had dreamed that. Since I was pregnant I dont think i really allowed myself to grieve. Everyone kept telling me not to be upset; so i just didn't face it. Now their house is for sale. And I just cant imagine anyone else living in it. IT'S THEIR HOUSE.
I know that the world has to move on; they are gone and the family can't keep the house.
I asked my dad if i may go back to the house to say goodbye & he said it was fine. Now, with my life, i just havent had the time but i need to. He said to look at the side door to the garage...my height chart is still there. I need to grieve; say goodbye.

But WC's asthma has been acting up so much. We haven't has this much trouble since he was hospitalized when he was 2 before we discovered his problems. We have an appointment with his "asthma doctor" tues. CJ's not eating right & has a runny nose. At 5 months I dont think theres much i can do.

Monday, September 10, 2007

My new goals

Goal # 1 Clean Home Office: It’s the room that contains everything I don’t know where to put in the rest of the house.

Goal # 2 Budget. I’m tired of being broke. I bought financial software and began by uploading the information. I have to finish categorizing all the expenses & see exactly where everything is going. Been sick this past weekend & when the kids went to sleep so did I.

Goal # 3 The yard. After the drought anything that’s still alive is weeds and taking over. Bought heavy duty garden gloves on clearance; one Saturday in the near future I will be outside at the crack of dawn.

Goal # 4 Master’s Degree or not? When I started college a few years ago I majored in psychology and had hopes of becoming a therapist. About a year before graduation I discovered I needed a PHD in order to be one. The only thing I could do w/ a Bachelors was case work. Fast forward a few years and a husband and two kids later & working in something I never thought I’d be doing. The depressing thing is no one around me has been to college & I feel like my degree isn’t doing me any good. If I didn’t have one I could still be doing this job. Not exactly what you want after going through school. Now I’ve discovered an online school that has an accredited Masters for what I want. But with 2 small children it’s not only a considerable money investment it’s time. Time is a huge commodity for me right now. One class is about a ten hour a week commitment. And twice I will need to be gone for six days. Maybe in a year or two. In two my oldest will be in kindergarten & the baby will be two. I don’t know.

WC started baseball on Saturday. He’s a riot. He has a new glove, shirt & hat. He had to wear the shirt and hat to a birthday party afterwards. Sunday, he wore the hat w/ his pajamas in the morning; wanted to wear the shirt again but I told him it needed washing. I missed his practice but Jay said he did really well. He was supposed to be learning to field the ball but he was turning in a circle and fell in the dirt. We may or may not have a professional ball player on our hands!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007


"The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children."

Dietrich Bonhoeffer 1906-1945

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Nothing is certain but death, taxes & laundry…

Say’s the Baby Blues comic strip taped to the front of my refrigerator. Never before has a comic strip mirrored my life so perfectly that it’s almost eerie. It’s like the creator has been sitting in my living room watching. And this particular strip really hits home you see CJ hasn’t met a “leak proof core” he can’t conquer. In less than two hours he can soak through a diaper, his outfit and a blanket; makes for a real cranky three a.m. Initially I was buying the cheap Wal-Mart diapers and they might as well have been made of crepe paper then Luvs; Pampers; and now Huggies. Pampers last all nigh half the time; Huggies have lasted two nights. In all fairness the Huggies have not been put to the ultimate test. He only had 2 ounces of bottle one night and 1 ounce last night. If he has 8 then that’s the ultimate test. He’s about 2-3 lbs away from the smallest overnight diapers I can find. I’m going to try them anyway.
You know those infomercials where the guy has the really absorbent shammy that he puts in a big tub of water & it soaks it all up? I’m thinking of purchasing one and fashioning a cloth diaper for him; maybe just maybe it’ll hold. It’s a 24/7 job to keep this child dry. My laundry has skyrocketed; I just can’t do this much laundry. It’s ridiculous to go through 5-6 outfits and 2-3 blankets a day! I can wash on Wed & by Friday he is out of blankets. I was the rest of the laundry on Sat and can make it until the nest Sat before I need to again, but not with CJ. And if it’s not a soaked diaper it’s his reflux, if it’s not coming out of one end it’s another. His nickname is now “super soaker.” Ugh!

I’m late, late, late…
Luckily CJ’s diaper didn’t leak last night; he slept all the way til 5:50 a.m. which means I did too. My goal is to have him fed by 6 am so I can get ready for work. With feeding starting at 5:55 that would be impossible. Jay was already dressed when I awoke. And asked him (ok barked at him) why he didn’t wake me up. He “thought” I was. Yeah. So I fed CJ as quickly as possible but didn’t have time to make sure he burped thoroughly or stayed upright long enough to help keep everything down. When I finally pulled into moms drive; stared into the car seat he was coated in spit-up. Yuck. At least I didn’t have to deal with it. I left my breakfast at home, so I had to stop off at McD’s, which I never do…and now I feel fatter. I’m not a fan of fast food but had to make due.

Fantasy Football Scandal 2007
That’s right; the season doesn’t officially start til Thursday & already there is controversy. Jay has played this for 8 years now & this year he decided he wanted to do his own league with just family & a few friends. Now his brothers, their wives, his parents, a few friends and I now are in this. I don’t really care about it, but the other wives are doing this. Anyway, draft was Sunday and by Monday the big trade controversy happened when my SIL’s boss offered her a trade of 3 of his best players for 3 of her mediocre one’s. Now Jay says the only reason anyone would make such a stupid trade is cheating. If the trade went through then my SIL’s team would be almost unbeatable. She accepted the trade but then it went to vote and of course is shot down. Her husband says it was all a joke but I don’t think Jay buys it. And I just flat out don’t understand it. In the entire scheme of life, if you win or lose at a game does it really matter? No. It’s a free league; no money involved. The only thing winning gets you are bragging rights for a little while. I don’t understand why someone would want to cheat at this, if they in fact were. I mean it would be pathetic to cheat at a game whose outcome is pretty much meaningless in real life. It was something he wanted to do for fun; thought involving family would be fun. And if it isn’t fun then what’s the point. Like I told him last night, if her team is stomping everyone, then what’s to point of playing if you know you won’t win. I don’t really care if I win or lose; it’s not important but I don’t want to go into every game knowing that no one can beat one team. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long season with this suspicion over this will taint everything she and her boss do.

Operation Healthy eating for WC.
It was a mixed result weekend. Saturday he attended a birthday party and we might as well hang up any attempt at healthy there. Hot dog, cheese puffs, cake, ice cream & sugar drink pouch; he was in heaven. Sunday he had macaroni and cheese for lunch that I made with whole wheat pasta. That evening he kept asking for macaroni and cheese for dinner. No, I’m cooking dinner, I told him multiple times. “I don’t like it,” I heard back multiple times. Made him sit at the table; put plate in front of him; boneless, skinless chicken breast, boiled potatoes and green beans. As we sat there he stared at his plate; after a min picked up the chicken & what-do-you-know he liked it! He ate it but refused to try anything else on his plate. Small victory. He had some peeled & cut up apple slices for desert. He was with Grandparents all day Monday & ate pizza. He’s not with them enough to impose my dietary requirements; I let them have fun.

Join me next time when I think I have it all figured out; suddenly realize I don’t.

Friday, August 31, 2007

No, it was a frog

Made in America

“Save U.S. Jobs. Buy American,” Boasted the bumper sticker on the back of a Jeep. Which started me thinking that it was a good idea, but is it a feasible one? Can we purchase all the products we need that are only made in America? I mean ones that are truly made here, not ones that have parts that are from somewhere else or that are assembled elsewhere. Since at the moment every toy in the box at home is made in China and may be covered in lead-based paint…This is an idea that is worth looking into.

WC cons Jay
I arrive home last night to discover WC eating a bowl of mashed potatoes. Now with my recent quest to put healthier items in him, I feel his dinner tonight should consist of more than one thing being starch since I had plans on cooking. But Jay felt that since WC hadn’t eaten anything for dinner since I had decided he was eating healthier that he wanted to get something more in him at dinner. You fool, I thought. Because WC didn’t eat but a couple of bites and said he was done; Jay practically began begging him to eat.
Don’t beg him to eat. He gets power over you when he doesn’t do what you so desperately want. A three year old should not have power over the adult. He will not starve, when his hunger outweighs his stubbornness then he will eat what I put in front of him. He doesn’t know what is best for him; as adults we do. I am willing to be the hard-ass if it keeps my son healthy and his bathroom visits pain-free.

Usually, I do not have problems going to sleep or going back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night. But at 2 something this morning WC woke us up yelling from his room. Jay went to check on him; WC told him that he wanted to talk top him. Jay put him back to bed and started his “night-night music” back. The Jay came back & fell asleep right away. I had the unfortunate experience to not be able to quit thinking. “Monkey Brain” I’ve heard it called because your thoughts are like a bunch of monkeys jumping around. I had just dozed off when WC began yelling, “Daddy, turn my music over.” Which means he wants the cd started again; he knows it’s on the last song. It was 3:30 a.m. & I was mad. I told him to lie down & go to sleep. It was too early in the morning. I was not starting the music over. He would have to go to sleep and I didn’t want another word. He obeyed and I eventually drifted back off to sleep. He probably thought I was a “mean” mommy after that, but like Bill Engvall says, “Nice stops at midnight.”
*Unless, of course he is, in fact, ill.

Lunch errands
Today at lunch I am going to the store to purchase a birthday present for my best friends son is turning 2 & party is tomorrow. And WC came home from preschool w/ a list of supplies he needs by Tuesday.

Labor Day Weekend
We have the aforementioned birthday party tomorrow 2-4. Then my brother-in-law has a cookout at 5:30. (I wish I already had the baby sling for CJ that I want, but I have to order it and it can’t arrive by in the morning at this point). So far nothing planned for the actual Labor Day on Monday (and I’m o.k. with that). WC is going to his grandma’s for the day; he’ll love that.

The other night Jay & WC were wresting when WC passed gas. Jay asked him if it was him & without missing a beat he replied, “No, it was a frog.”

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Objects in the mirror

"If you can't see my mirrors then I can't see you." Warns the sign on the back of an 18 wheel truck. I've seen these before and have wondered how far behind a truck do you have to be? During my commute this morning I was behind such a truck & decided to test this out.
I kept dropping further and further back from my test truck & i was about five car lengths behind (normal size cars, not the big ass ford monstrosities) and I still couldn't see the mirrors on either side. And other commuters are mad at me at this point. It wasn't until on a curve on the interstate that I could see the mirror on the driver's side. The results of my test show that if you are directly behind a truck you cant see the mirrors; you have to ride the line on either side of you in order to be in view of said mirrors. Do they know this when posting the signs on the truck? Do they expect anyone to attempt to drop back far enough? Perhaps 10 car lengths might be enough but I'm not willing to be shot in morning traffic to find out.
Now I don't think 18 wheel trucks should be allowed on the interstate in major metropolitan areas during rush hour. I know that they have to make a living by making their deliveries. However, the trek down the interstate at rush hour takes me 45 min- 1 hour. When it isn't rush hour the exact same distance takes me 25-30 min. It would make sense they could make it much faster time if they weren't in rush hour. It isn't the truckers fault that they can only go 25 mph up a hill when they are loaded down; they have to ride the brakes all the way down the other side of the hill to keep from ploughing over the Yugo in from of them. So, perhaps it would be easier on the trucker. I know it'll never happen, but one can dream.

WC's Project Eating Healthier: Tues night; cooked fish, potato & green beans. Verdict: He ate nothing; just stared at his plate.
Wed night: Jay worked late; I didn't cook. He ate a hot dog; a half of an apple slice (after the skin stuck on his gum the willingness to eat it was over). But he tried it, which was a step in the right direction.
Tonight will try cooking again & see.

Motherhood lesson #236741: You can not force a child to eat.(nor his father).

Join me next time when I find WC wearing CJ's 6 month size bloomers.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Quotation Tuesday

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.

Cyril Connolly (1903-1974)

Monday, August 27, 2007

Life aint always beautiful

Motherhood lesson 1:
Sometimes it just plain sucks.

This morning on my way to work Jay calls me & says WC is complaining that his tummy hurts and he can’t poop. So I drop off CJ and turn around and head back home; stop off at the store for a child’s enemas. I dared the cashier to tell me to ‘have a good day.’ Cause when you’re in the store at 7 am and the only thing you are purchasing is an enemas, it’s not going to be a good day.

So I get home; WC has found the catalog of a mail order company specializing in themes for children’s birthdays & his fourth birthday is less than two months away. He is enamored with the Cars movie themed items and doesn’t realize that I have returned home to deal with him. And when we bring him to the bathroom, he realizes that something is about to happen to him and he’s not going to like it. It takes both of us several minutes to wrestle him into appropriate positioning and he’s fighting us tooth and nail. And I have the pleasant task of administration.

As I finish I say, “He’s gotta stay in position.”
Jay picks him up; the liquid all falls out.
“He was supposed to stay in position for 2-5 minutes.”
Jay looks shocked, “I didn’t know.”

Now, I’d told him before we started & he’d “read” the box too. Oh, & there was the thing I said right after I’d finished, “He’s got to stay in position.”
“Oh, I thought you said that he wasn’t in position.”
“O.k. even if you thought I said he wasn’t in position why would I bring it up if it wasn’t important for him to be in it?” Not to mention that he didn’t pay a bit of attention to anything I said when I was talking to him about what the box said we were supposed to do!
OMG. I don’t think I’ve been more upset about anything in recent history.
Luckily, our activity apparently stimulated things and WC did have a BM.

I have declared to both of them that there will be changes in the dietary habits of our household. WC hasn’t eaten anything but macaroni and cheese for a couple weeks now and that’s coming to an end. Jay is 34 with high blood pressure and changes are a coming for him as well. They will be eating more fruits and vegetables because all junk food is hereby banished from this household & will only be occasional treats. This isn’t WC’s first bought with constipation but I have vowed that if it happens again it will not be from me not providing the proper diet. I admit that after having CJ, I haven’t been as vigilant with cooking proper food. And it has just been easier to microwave a bowl of easy mac then to listen to him protest that he doesn’t like anything on his plate, despite never having tried any of it. No more. I’ve dropped the ball on that part of my parenting recently and now it’s past time to correct it. Eventually he will eat something on his plate.
Now, I just have to find things that are quick, nutritious and taste good too. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, send me an email.

Join me next time when I discover CJ’s diaper has leaked for the fourth time in three hours.

Friday, August 24, 2007

The Funny Thing About Goals

CJ’s goal: To “eat” his weight in formula every day.
WC’s goal: To con his way into eating his weight in junk every day.
Jay’s goal: To come home and not do anything.
My goal: To sleep; have peace and quiet.

Other goals that I have for myself include finishing the rough draft of my novel by years end; then to have a revised draft finished by next summer. It’s an ambitious goal for me when the pace in which I write isn’t exactly fast; I’ve been working on this rough draft on and off for about two years. I fear that after all this time that I won’t finish. I fear if I do finish it will never be published (a very likely fear in today’s publishing world). And I fear if I do get published I will not be able to follow it up. So, I fear failing and succeeding all at the same time. How neurotic is that? The funny thing about goals is they can sometimes be as much a hindrance as a help.

Goals that don’t make me sound like a lunatic include: raising my sons to be happy, healthy and well mannered. Living within my means and somehow save money.

Motherhood lesson # 76428930
A baby’s smile will melt away the cares of the day.

Happy Day to anyone who bothers to read this.

Join me next time when I discover my Dad knows a little too much about High School Musical.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Motherhood lesson # 65872168
If you don’t tell your toddler to put on his underwear first, he probably won’t.

Yesterday my 3 year old arrived home from preschool with his “evaluation” which is where they test your child on things they should know or be learning & then inform you about everything they don’t know. Some of the things they say he doesn’t know I can’t believe. He hasn’t mastered knowing his name when written. “He does too!” I say out loud. And a shocking number of letters and numbers he can’t identify…according to them. I know him; sometimes he just gets silly and gives wrong answers on purpose. He thinks he’s being funny.
I’ve discovered I’m going to be the kind of mother he hates when it comes to school work. Since I then proceed to get the magna doodle and quiz him while he tried to eat dinner. Eventually after the 18th letter, his response to every question began to be “poopie.” I then realized it was time for a break. “O.k. just answer this one last one and I’ll let you eat.” And he replied, “Poopie.”
I hate when he says that & I try not to let him know it. Cause being 3 he’d say it more just to annoy me. It’s what toddlers do. They test us, they test their boundaries & they just want to know what will happen if they do fill in the blank. And that fill in the blank could be seeing what happens when he turns a flip off the back of the couch to seeing if he can drink milk from a “regular” cup while lying down. Sometimes his tests don’t work out. But then again it’s that life, as adults things don’t always turn out the way we expect or even want. So maybe that’s what all this testing is about, it’s preparation to be able to roll with all of life’s up and downs. Good to know it’s useful for something.

Please join me next time when I discover my toddler trying to put peas in his baby brother’s nose.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Missing my baby

So, I'm sitting here at work; the phone's are dead & there's nothing to do. Well, except surf the internet. Which I may have been doing a little bit before the phone's left for the day. But anyway. I'm sitting here staring at the pics taken of my baby yesterday. I took him for his three month pictures. I take tons of pictures myself but dont have access to the extensive backgrounds. But, I digress. I'm staring at my baby's photo & missing him terribly. I haven't been back to work three weeks yet and I'm dying. I didnt want to come back but we ran out of money & the two children need food & shelter. Atleast I get to leave him w/ my mom. That's one consolation on the whole deal.

Saturday afternoon I left the baby with my sister, so we could take the three year old swimming. It's 102 outside, the baby couldnt go. She's not very experienced w/ such a young baby and I dont think she'll agree to babysit again, for a little while. When we arrived back home that evening she looked a little worse for wear and said all he did was "puke and poot." It seems he had some issues w/ gas. Oh well it's good birth control for her. He's not a difficult baby, she just doesnt know how to tend to him.

The problem with nothing to do at work is that I'm now hungry. I've snacked way too much today. YAY, they're sending us home...